my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
