and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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