Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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