Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
