just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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