I wish I could teleport
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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