I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
