Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
