i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
