imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
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