Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
