It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
