Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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