so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
