You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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