In the future we'll all be gay
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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