I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
