Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
