The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
