I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I am one with the molecules
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
