Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
