You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
