Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
