I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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