My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
