If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
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