I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
