I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
