i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
You left your phone here
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