Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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