Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
