im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
