I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
