i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
