Your dad touched me again.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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