You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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