New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
