Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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