she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I need a beard to bite.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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