Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
