I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
