Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
