i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
