Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
