i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We're too hungover to prance.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
