it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
