for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
