so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
