Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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