I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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