he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
wow bdsm is so cute
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
