It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
